A heaven in my heart

A mental dis-integration.
A summit beyond my wits,
a beginning tentative from within.
A strength on its own - incapable.
A weakness -  my only giving
A limb, a power, a sin
A God forgiving,
a heaven receiving
a child unaware,
a spirit determined,
a soul dis-integrating,
a heart divided.
a home without refuge,
a place for doves to settle,
a light, their credit, not my own,
a gift worth owning,
a heaven in my heart.

I shall sit here

Feasting on crumbles,

Feasting on crumbles and other somber things.

So long as my appetite is appeased for a moment,

A sorry moment,

A moment nonetheless.

I shall sit here, under this table,

My mind too bothered with a better circumstance,

Preoccupied with wishes for light, romance and other fleeting joys,

But I shall just sit here,

Receiving nothing but the darkness of this moment.

I shall sit here under this table,

Being my own judge and moral pundit.

Condemning my lack,

And convicting myself to a horrendous disintegration.

And yet I shall sit here,

Receiving crumbs of this meal,

Enjoying the sorries and

Cavalier regrets of unfinished food.

Thinking against my convictions.

And believing in my worthiness to this table- its food, - its grace and the relief it promises.

I will wait sometimes, with tears and stray attention,

Distracted by the sounding cracks of my end,

Eating of this food, with constrained expectation.

I will be the skeptic, the hypocrite, the slanderer, the self- righteous, and the unbecoming church girl.

I shall sit here,

Being finished by the rottenness of my soul,

Embracing the inherent guilt of Eve.

Eating these crumbs,

Eating from my limited understanding of this grace,

And slowly assuming a seat at this table…

the sun had failed to sprout to m relief,

and though I loved the spark,

the glory

and the possibility of a new day,

 

I had discovered that I could actually go on,

on and on

whilst encumbered by a little dark,

 

my own mindset had advantaged me against  frays and chasms,

I had harbored a mind,

a strange mind,

an awkward abandon to nonsense.

I had sat myself on the vantage point of eternity

and had laboured no more for conditional comfort

I  had pursued it

somewhere closer to lofty galaxies,

where heaven requites my prayers

At the bridge

Pain followed you to this parapet,

Invasive.
Sharp.
Spiteful.

it cut through to your core.

Down there, under this bridge, are inconsistent tides,

Of mellow and aggressive waters alike.

Their chaos, mirroring your mental extremes,

Of busy and deadly ideas,

your thoughts brought you here,  to this random inconvenience,

like those  rational in despair,

you are now mad,

may the waters gently receive your soul,

as you gradually descend into the liquid pit,

it will all make sense in the after life....
 

''find your God,

forgo the   gentle sleep below the bridge,

Go home, speak to your God''

come flood this place...

Before the sprouting of the sun,

Dusk declined into forlorn obscurity.

A quiet night conducive for madness.

Somebody in our midst is on the offense,

Hovering above faultless children,

Waiting to kill a broken man

The happiest man tonight, is gnashing his teeth…

Tell God to ready the sun.

Undress the armored night

This powerful dark of eerier phantoms

Coming sun: set alight again, the nightmare below.

 

 I am your servant, Lord.

I know you, because you have willed it,

Look at my defenselessness.

Silent in contrition

Fragile in hurried resilience.

Content and unwise in seeming trivialities,

Are you filling the voids? Are you mending the cracks?

Are you enabling my understanding?

 

I have hoped in the sparsity of hope.

I knelt to you even when your saints abased my faith,

In my youth, I loved you, and delighted in your awkward mysteries.

Won’t you, undo, undo, undo this spiteful night.

May you reassure your child?

Steady the foundations you built?

Defend the precious you own?

…you know how I speak, when I’m desperate.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

***Through all these,

 The waves were receding

Grace was abounding,

Hope of my heart, generous God.

 Flood my heart with your presence. ***

                                  

You are welcome here.

Enable my faith

 

              
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFByOX8Fb0M

You gotta be.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pO40TcKa_5U

Energizing uncertainty

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BVFmXeCN9o